Developing Independence (The Irony of Egyptian Marriage)

I took a bold step about a month ago and finally put a ring on my girlfriend’s finger. Trust me, after almost five years of dating, I’ve had friends mark the occasion on their calendars as a national holiday. Needless to say, nobody believed I would really do it; her friends were fed up of me, and my friends were a few steps short of shooting me in the back of the head while I slept.

You see, there was no logical reason for this relationship to last this long without an engagement. Both of us are graduates, working, and from well-off families that could easily support this next logical step in a young Egyptian couple’s relationship.

The real problem here was that my parents had chosen to step out of the picture, and let me deal with it. I won’t go into reasons as to why this happened, since some things have to remain personal, even in a blog. But, it did open my eyes to how much parents are involved in this step of life, especially in our part of the world.

I have countless friends whose marriages have been ruined because of meddling parents. In Egypt, the idea is that not only are two people deciding to spend their lives together, but it’s a merger between two families that must be compatible. How the kids feel really doesn’t matter. This bothered me, but as the Egyptian saying goes “This is how it is. You can’t change it.”

The thing is, this is not how it was about twenty or thirty years back, or even before that. True, parents did have a large say in their children’s lives, but never to this extent. Before, parents just wanted to make sure their kids were going to be ok. There was unconditional support, and if you chose a life without their constant meddling, then you could.

Now, your parents hold most of the cards.

I think this began with the mass movement of young adults to the gulf countries during the seventies and eighties. Before that, the idea of two people renting an apartment and getting married was acceptable, and quite frankly the norm (back when the middle class still existed in a rich and wholesome form). Now, with better jobs abroad, the idea of buying and owning a home was possible.

This led to two things. The first, a majority of people stopped renting and started selling real estate, at continuously higher prices. The few that still rented abused the fact that they were a minority, and could basically charge whatever the hell they wanted. If they didn’t find someone to rent to, they’d eventually sell. Long story short, renting started becoming unusual.

Second, young men such as myself were expected to have an apartment. The bride’s parents were less and less convinced with a young suitor who didn’t have an place of his own. Add to that countless stories of young girls marrying the older and richer guy because he provided more ‘stability’. Fathers who had started their lives with rent expected newly graduates to be at the same level they were currently in because they didn’t want their daughters to live a life less fulfilling than that which they were providing.

So, parents abroad started saving up and buying apartments for their kids. And, it didn’t stop there. Soon enough, the car became a must, followed closely by lavish furnishing, an expensive ring (yes, there are minimum expectations that are way out of a newly graduated man’s financial ability), and a lifestyle that was constantly compared to what we now consider upper class. Parents started convincing their children that money would not be a problem; that they should concentrate on their studies and nothing else because that would assure them a place in life.

The result is what we see now; an entire generation completely dependent on their parents. We’ve also got a generation of parents who could turn bitter at any moment, since the constant argument is that they have given up so much for you. The guilt trips are a common weapon in their arsenal.

If you don’t believe me, let me ask you this: If your parents suddenly decided to toss you out, what would you take with you. The car? Your clothes? Let me remind you that you have paid absolutely nothing for these things, so in theory, none of it is yours. And, if anyone has experience similar to mine, a lot of parents like to constantly remind you of that.

But, there is the flip side. Every now and then you find that your spouse’s parents can be incredibly supportive. You’re equally lucky if your parents are. In either of these cases, I say good for you. Remember, though, that you’re in a minority, so thank your lucky stars and strike that as one thing you should be constantly grateful for.

For the majority, independence from the parents is something you should strive for. I believe that we should start raising our kids in a way that makes sure they are ready for anything that may come their way, including our senility. This isn’t achieved through school education, but life’s education. I’m not saying that our parents are the enemy, quite the opposite. I believe there’s a fine line between support and control, and if that line isn’t clear, it should be. There are a bunch of things I believe we can do to make that independence happen, and to guide future generations in the proper direction.

Maybe we should talk about that…