Don’t Follow the Herd, Lead It

Usually, and at least I believe so, my thoughts are organized. I like to dish out things I personally believe are interesting in an orderly fashion that I hope most people can follow and feel just as enthusiastic about as I do. Other times, things just come to me at random. So, forgive me if this blog doesn’t exactly follow some sort of sequence that makes sense, but today’s issue just came to me.

The idea was sparked on my drive home from the 5^th Settlement in my friend’s car. For those living there, you’ll know that there’s a traffic light at the round-about on Street 90 (yes, we have traffic lights, imagine that). The light was red, and unlike most Egyptians, including the two cars in front of us, my friend decided to stop.

Now, for those living abroad, a little explanation is needed. Traffic lights in Egypt are a form of decoration the government likes to put up at random intersections (like lane lines and suggested speed limits), hoping that the good citizens might actually obey the law. A lot of them have cameras, but most don’t, and you are actually free to choose whether or not to stop when the light is red. Traffic is normally regulated by the traffic police, who stand at intersections and use random hand signals, or sometimes a whistle, to let us know when to stop and go. If there is no police officer, and there happens to be a traffic light, the law of the jungle applies. If the street’s empty, keep going. If you can bully your way through, then that’s pretty much acceptable as well.

So, it’s uncommon to find someone stopping at a red light when the street is empty, but my friend did. What was interesting was that all the cars behind us and next to us did the same, although the ones in front of us hadn’t. At that point, my friend turned to me and said with a smile, “If we hadn’t stopped now, no one else would have.”

And, that’s 80% true. You see, he had the choice to ignore the red light, but didn’t. That’s not to say that no one behind us would have had the decency to stop as well, on the contrary, I’m sure out of the ten cars around us, one might have done what he did. But not all ten; never all of them. A good majority would have done whatever the cars in front of them were doing, regardless if they believed it were right or wrong.

This brought to mind a time when my parents had invited the entire family over for dinner. Around thirty people sitting at two tables, with a glorious feast in front of us. Those who finished and got up were told by my mother to leave their plates, assuring them that she would clean up later. My brother and I didn’t listen to her, picked up our plates and the few around us, and took them to the kitchen. My brother went back to clean up some more plates, and I started washing the few dishes that had begun collecting in the sink. Within twenty minutes, my other ten cousins had pitched in, the table was clean, the left-overs were packed and in the fridge, and all the dishes (and pots and pans) were clean. My 60-year-old mother didn’t have to do a single thing.

Now, here’s what I really want to point out. I’ve constantly complained for the past ten years about how Egyptians practice a follow-the-herd mentality when it comes to anything in their lives. A lot of times, it’s for the good, but mostly it’s not. People who can’t afford cell phones buy them anyway and put a little extra stress on their families because everyone’s sporting one. We eat at the same restaurants our ‘herd’ eats at, go to the same cafes, watch the same movies, read the same books (we were on a serious Paolo Coelho and 7-Habits frenzy that was infuriating), etc. You can argue that it’s human nature, but not to the point where you have no opinion and your thoughts are almost 100% similar to any random person in the street.

The revolution did change a bit of that. Not as much as we expected, but enough to promise more in the near future. So, I say, why wait?

As Egyptians, we love to talk big, and stop there. But, we all know that actions speak louder than words, and we should take that to heart. From now on, if you really want to do something right, don’t wait for the people around you to start doing it. Go for it, without making a fuss, and show that you’re doing the right thing for one simple reason: because it’s right.

Remember when the entire nation went on a cleaning frenzy? That probably stopped because it was turning into a mass advertisement scheme, with people competing on which initiative was doing a better job. Don’t compete, just do. Don’t make a big deal out of it, and just get on with it. In your university for example, or your school, or at work, pick up anything someone just threw on the ground and dump it in the proper bin. Do it enough and I assure you that your friends, and their friends, will do the same. Save paper printed on only one side, and your co-workers will most likely do the same (actually, start your own little recycling campaign in your cubicle, and it’ll spread). Post news that will give us a little hope instead of all the bad jokes and depression that fills my news feed every day. Smile, even at the government bureaucrats, and believe me, it goes miles!

I’m not asking you to be unrealistic. I’m just saying it is actually realistic to accept that there’s just as much good going on as the bad, and it deserves acknowledgement. ‘Be the Change’ isn’t something that we should just put up as statuses and lazily blog about (pun intended), but believe me, actions do speak louder than words, and the sooner we apply that, the better things might be.

Lead the herd.

Developing Independence (The Irony of Egyptian Marriage)

I took a bold step about a month ago and finally put a ring on my girlfriend’s finger. Trust me, after almost five years of dating, I’ve had friends mark the occasion on their calendars as a national holiday. Needless to say, nobody believed I would really do it; her friends were fed up of me, and my friends were a few steps short of shooting me in the back of the head while I slept.

You see, there was no logical reason for this relationship to last this long without an engagement. Both of us are graduates, working, and from well-off families that could easily support this next logical step in a young Egyptian couple’s relationship.

The real problem here was that my parents had chosen to step out of the picture, and let me deal with it. I won’t go into reasons as to why this happened, since some things have to remain personal, even in a blog. But, it did open my eyes to how much parents are involved in this step of life, especially in our part of the world.

I have countless friends whose marriages have been ruined because of meddling parents. In Egypt, the idea is that not only are two people deciding to spend their lives together, but it’s a merger between two families that must be compatible. How the kids feel really doesn’t matter. This bothered me, but as the Egyptian saying goes “This is how it is. You can’t change it.”

The thing is, this is not how it was about twenty or thirty years back, or even before that. True, parents did have a large say in their children’s lives, but never to this extent. Before, parents just wanted to make sure their kids were going to be ok. There was unconditional support, and if you chose a life without their constant meddling, then you could.

Now, your parents hold most of the cards.

I think this began with the mass movement of young adults to the gulf countries during the seventies and eighties. Before that, the idea of two people renting an apartment and getting married was acceptable, and quite frankly the norm (back when the middle class still existed in a rich and wholesome form). Now, with better jobs abroad, the idea of buying and owning a home was possible.

This led to two things. The first, a majority of people stopped renting and started selling real estate, at continuously higher prices. The few that still rented abused the fact that they were a minority, and could basically charge whatever the hell they wanted. If they didn’t find someone to rent to, they’d eventually sell. Long story short, renting started becoming unusual.

Second, young men such as myself were expected to have an apartment. The bride’s parents were less and less convinced with a young suitor who didn’t have an place of his own. Add to that countless stories of young girls marrying the older and richer guy because he provided more ‘stability’. Fathers who had started their lives with rent expected newly graduates to be at the same level they were currently in because they didn’t want their daughters to live a life less fulfilling than that which they were providing.

So, parents abroad started saving up and buying apartments for their kids. And, it didn’t stop there. Soon enough, the car became a must, followed closely by lavish furnishing, an expensive ring (yes, there are minimum expectations that are way out of a newly graduated man’s financial ability), and a lifestyle that was constantly compared to what we now consider upper class. Parents started convincing their children that money would not be a problem; that they should concentrate on their studies and nothing else because that would assure them a place in life.

The result is what we see now; an entire generation completely dependent on their parents. We’ve also got a generation of parents who could turn bitter at any moment, since the constant argument is that they have given up so much for you. The guilt trips are a common weapon in their arsenal.

If you don’t believe me, let me ask you this: If your parents suddenly decided to toss you out, what would you take with you. The car? Your clothes? Let me remind you that you have paid absolutely nothing for these things, so in theory, none of it is yours. And, if anyone has experience similar to mine, a lot of parents like to constantly remind you of that.

But, there is the flip side. Every now and then you find that your spouse’s parents can be incredibly supportive. You’re equally lucky if your parents are. In either of these cases, I say good for you. Remember, though, that you’re in a minority, so thank your lucky stars and strike that as one thing you should be constantly grateful for.

For the majority, independence from the parents is something you should strive for. I believe that we should start raising our kids in a way that makes sure they are ready for anything that may come their way, including our senility. This isn’t achieved through school education, but life’s education. I’m not saying that our parents are the enemy, quite the opposite. I believe there’s a fine line between support and control, and if that line isn’t clear, it should be. There are a bunch of things I believe we can do to make that independence happen, and to guide future generations in the proper direction.

Maybe we should talk about that…

Quickie

This is just a really quick post before I harass you all with a longer one, but I thought this to be very interesting.

I am currently watching a documentary called 'Waiting for Superman' about the US public school education. For starters, I suggest everyone take a look at it because the situation isn't a lot more different than the one we have in Egypt.

My point, though, is that one scene shows a little second grade girl (Bianca) reading a story she's supposed to recite the next day at school. You barely hear her over the VO, but if you listen carefully, this is what she reads:
"Take my apples boy, and sell them in the city. Then you will have money and you will be happy."

We're teaching our kids from the early ages of 10 and 11 that making money makes you happy. We need to rethink a lot of the things we let our kids read.

Reward and Happiness, Pt.3

Now, getting over the whole idea of money being the root cause of happiness, and knowing that it's not all that matters, we start looking at things in a different light. If you've done the list I mentioned in the last post, you'll realize that not everything you can do to make you happy depends solely on money, but more that society has shaped us into believing that our basic needs cost a lot, and so what makes us happy doesn't matter.

The thing is, happiness depends very little on the external environment than it does on the internal. One of the best people I've heard talk about this is Shawn Achor in his book, The Happiness Advantage (I'll list links at the bottom). He spent ten years studying happiness levels at Harvard, where most people believe that you shouldn't have a reason not to be happy, and came to a conclusion that the reality was completely different.

You see, our brains over the years has been trained to pay attention to the negative, and dismiss the positive. We think of war, disasters, revolutions, deaths, and to a smaller level of things like competition at the workplace, grades, bills, etc. I'm not saying that we shouldn't think about these things at all, but I believe that we've reached a point that we've filtered out any good news and have started to concentrate solely on the negative.

On the smallest scale, your news feed on Facebook (especially if you're in Egypt) is a constant reminder of how everything is going to hell, whether mentioned seriously or in a satirical manner. You dismiss quotes about lobe, friendship, spirituality, or even statuses about good news, and rather concentrate on some newspaper clipping that is destined to ruin the rest of your day.

What that basically does is diminish your tolerance for anything at all. You spiral into a mini-state of depression followed by a complete lack of action, attention, memory and epiphany. Everything around you seems to get a bit darker, there seems to be no reason to do anything, procrastination becomes a true sport, and the end result is you continue with what you were originally doing that got you into this state in the first place.

This is then closely followed by finding excuses and playing the 'blame game'. You end up thinking that things would get better if 'you are more successful at work' or if 'you leave the country', or if 'Morsi had never been elected' (this is my favorite). Recently, I've started posting a small question on Facebook and Twitter, asking my friends that if 25% of your success depends on your IQ and knowledge, what would determine the other 75%? (I'll post the results after a few days, and I'm sure the answers will be surprisingly negative).

The truth of the matter is that our brains, when in a positive mindset, performs significantly better than when in a negative state or under stress (cramming in your studies during the last week doesn't mean you work better under stress). You're more attentive, memory increases, you're more energetic and creative. Believe me, everything changes.

Unfortunately, this blog isn't meant as a step-by-step guide, but more a starting point from which you, beloved reader, can continue the journey of research in whatever you find interesting. All I'm doing is shedding a light on certain matters and hinting at solutions and where you could find them. If I ever write a book about all this, maybe I'll change that, but for now, I won't waste too much of your time.

So, here are links to various aspects that helped me on this small journey to happiness.

Shawn Achor's TED talk (with links on the side to others)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXy__kBVq1M

Shawn Achor's book and website

http://www.goodthinkinc.com/

http://www.happinessadvantage.com/

MindValley and how they've applied the same concepts in their business and turned it into a place everyone wants to work in (even people from Google)

http://www.mindvalley.com/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8ZFU4FoNvY

Other things you might find interesting

http://www.happiness-project.com

My last advice here is that you take the time to see the videos, read the books, and add to your research so you can truly find a way to be happy.

Reward and Happiness, Pt.2

Let's start with a commonly known term called 'positive psychology'. No, this is not the simple think-positive outline that is constantly thrown at us. This is not some form of 'The Secret' (God forbid, and I'll maybe get to that some other time). This is actually a branch of psychology that concerns itself with scientific research aimed at making normal life more fulfilling. It's not hocus-pocus, magic-driven, wish-for-and-you-will-have ideologies. It's based fully on research, aiming at promoting the positive aspects of life (happiness, creativity, endurance, ability to adapt, etc.) by social systems and institutions.

I won't go any deeper into it, but for those interested, there's a wealth of information about positive psychology on the net that I urge you to read through and get acquainted with.

Now, what I am mainly concerned with here is happiness, and in one way or the other, this is what positive psychology concerns itself with as well. I personally believe that happiness depends almost fully on how you perceive the world around you, and not the marketed world we've given into.

Television, advertising, social groups and more have convinced us all that the only way to happiness is materialistic. The more we have, the happier we'll be. This concept has become so mainstream that it's basically been shoved down our throats. We've given into it, and we're believing it.

And, how do we get those things that will make us happy? Money. Which comes from hard work, and corporate slavery. You work harder and longer hours to earn more money to spend “on things we don't need, to impress people we don't like”. Don't forget that things get more expensive, so the amount of time and effort we put into earning money at first just doesn't cut it anymore.

So we work harder still. Or steal. Or kill.

If you truly believe that more money is directly related to an increase in happiness, I beg you to look up the Easterlin paradox. If you have the time, a look into Daniel Gilbert's “Stumbling on Happiness' would also be beneficial, where research suggests that money makes a difference to the poor (where basic needs are not fulfilled) but has a diminished effect once reaching the middle class. Which is why in corrupt, developing countries, where dictators are the norm, messing with the basic needs of the general population keeps everyone in check. Keep 80% fighting for their basic needs, and the other 20% scared of being part of that majority, and you got yourself a nation of sheep that 'go with the flow'.

Sound familiar?

So, once you get past the idea that money is what's going to make you happy, and past the illusion that your basic needs are not fulfilled (take a good look at your life and re-evaluate what you consider basic and what the market's made you believe is basic), you start to understand what I mean when I say happiness depends on how you perceive your life.

A little exercise I tried out a few months ago put a lot of that into perspective. Try it, and let me know how it works out for you:

1- Take a pen and paper and write these down at the top: food, water, shelter, clothes. If you have all four of these, your basic needs are actually fulfilled. Or to be more precise, the bottom level of Maslow's triangle is fulfilled, in one way or the other, and the second level is at least half-done, if not fully.

2- Divide the paper in half (two columns). On the left-hand side, write down what you believe will make you happy. On the right-hand side, opposite each point you've written, break down this notion to its simplest form. For example, if going out with your friends makes you happy, then the simplest form would be 'companionship'.

3- On a separate piece of paper, take each simple form and figure out three or four different ways you can have the same thing, but in a different way than you initially thought of. After you've done this, you'll realize that a lot of what you believed will make you happy can actually be achieved in ways that are both easier, if not cheaper, and still give you that same feeling.

This might not work for everyone, but it's definitely worth a shot, and it's important for what I have to say next.

Reward and Happiness, Pt.1

I spend a lot of time with friends, as does every Egyptian, I feel. Hours every day are spent in the company of individuals who share common interests or simply enjoy the company. We group together in one apartment, working on a project, watching a mind-numbing youtube video, or simply indulging in the common Egyptian past-time: conversation.

A few days ago, that major player of procrastination was the highlight of the evening. We were five, sitting in the living room with some random album playing in the background, talking about everything you can possibly think of. Conversation ranged from creativity, idea development, resource based economy, and the likes (no politics – enough Egyptians talk about that).

Of course, there was no lack of complaining. Everyone does it, and it seems to be the common denominator in any conversation over a cup of coffee and a cigarette. Complaining about the way of life, job insecurity despite being chained to a contract, how we deal with each other as human beings in a country with over 4000 years of history, etc. Traveling and leaving it all behind is usually the end result, or just rolling over and accepting that nothing can be done. Depression sets in quickly, believe you me.

I think it was at that point, while everyone was putting out their cigarettes with a frown and an air of complete forfeit, when I realized that we might actually be looking at things the wrong way. I believe there's a lot more behind the curtain of 'the meaning of life' and what we're here to do; why we exist. And at the core of all that, I say, is how we perceive reward and happiness.

Now, just so no one misunderstands me, nothing of what I'm about to write is of my own devise. I didn't have an epiphany and come up with the solutions to the world's problems. I am merely portraying what thousands, if not millions, of people know, feel and are either too afraid to apply or simply ignore. Everything in these next few entries has been researched, written about, talked about in multiple seminars, and is actually right there in front of us for the taking.

Another quick notion I want to mention is that you shouldn't simply disagree with anything just because it's new, different, or not what we're used to in our every day lives. Open your mind a bit and give everything a chance. Remember that old saying that if you have a room of 10 people, where 7 are doing something wrong, the other 3 will most likely follow suit? I like to imply that usually there are only 3 people doing what's wrong, and the others are following suit because the right was never applied.

That doesn't necessarily mean that what I'm saying is right or wrong, depending on your opinion. It just means that you shouldn't dismiss it just because you've never seen it applied.

Just wanted to make sure we're on the same page.

Where it All Begins

I believe our generation is screwed.

Not because life has dealt us a nasty hand, but because we've decided to screw ourselves over. We've got so many problems in so many areas that we're crammed with unknowns and misconceptions, ultimately leading to a bunch of couch potatoes sitting in front of facebook and waving their fists at the screen.

And we only have ourselves to blame.

I believe our generation is the pinnacle of youths wanting everything handed to them on a silver platter, and making sure that whatever we do, we're 'safe'. We settle for the crappy job with the terrible hours and the boss who believes we are slaves, because it pays enough for our over-priced and gas consuming vehicles, expensive outings that we evidently don't enjoy, and our materialistic needs that have stemmed from an incomprehensible desire to please those we hate.

The middle class is not dead. The middle class is just trying to be something they're not, and the world is catering to the fools trying to prove they're just as worthy as those spending their summer vacations on their yachts, drinking martinis and smoking hundred dollar bills. Truth is, most of us are closer to the other side of the spectrum than we actually understand.

I believe that a change is not just needed, but long overdue. Not just in our generation, but with every generation that follows. We have a responsibility towards the seven year-old boy or girl who looks up at us and sees what his or her life should be like. I believe our generation needs to sacrifice a lot just to make sure that the ones following, including our children, don't end up in a situation worse than ours.

For the past five or six years, I've been looking at various aspects of what we call the Egyptian life, and it's been bothering me for a long time. There are values and ideologies that we believe are set in stone, and are slowly eroding at the core of who we are and what we can and should be doing. We've given into, rather than tried to change, habits and points of view that are prone to long and tedious arguments. We've taken the easy way out, and we're paying for it dearly.

I think it's time we changed that.